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“The unexpected connection is more powerful than one that is obvious.”Heraclitus
Narscasisnm gets a bad rap and, in some cases, rightfully so. But did you know narscasisnm can be rooted in deep insecurity? Also, did you know that we all have a dose of narscasisnm within us? There are a number truth nuggets that aren’t mainstream but this topic goes far beyond our initial perception. So how do faith and narscasisnm intersect?
As Christians, we are to love like Christ, have a servant’s heart and intercede for each other. If we have too much narscasisnm we’re unable to see past ourselves enough to do these things. If we have too little narscasisnm then we aren’t living up to our true identity as a child of God. It’s the balance in the middle that allows God to work through us for his kingdom. Sometimes life helps us (or what seems like rudely forces us) to these middle grounds by way of circumstances.
I’m okay with being the example
I’d like to share the story of my process of being moved from the higher end of narscasisnm back to the middle, where I belong. In doing so, I hope this provides an example of God pulling good out of any situation. Furthermore, I hope this encourages you to look at your current trials a little differently.
“I met God on the way up and got to know God on the way down.”Dave Ramsey
I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. I was allowed to be creative with my dreams and was always told I could accomplish anything I wanted. This was fuel for accomplishment and the yearn to make my parents proud. However, what I didn’t recognize was that parallel to this magnificent growth came pride, ego, and a sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, this gave way to sliding me down the narscasisnm spectrum into unhealthy territory. My heart was hard from lack of exposure to the world. In my small, perfect bubble I had hard and fast rules, black and white definitions, and if you didn’t fit into that then there was something wrong with you. Hence, lots of judgement. Also, lots of immaturity. Looking back, it’s embarrassing because I know I couldn’t have been a good friend, daughter, sister, or co-worker. I was unbreakable. Or so I thought.
The beginning of the end
One summer, my main show horse had major surgery, putting me $10,000 in debt. Eventually, she ended up dying from complications post-surgery. Then, I was out the money and the chance to recover any of my ‘investment’ with future babies from her. Similarly, within a month, my other show horse had a the same surgery. Thankfully, he survived. Three grueling months of heartache, broken dreams, and a mound of debt. It couldn’t get any worse. Or so I thought. It was now early Fall and I was brining my horse home from the vet. Then, I received a call from my sister. She provided news that our dad had visited the doctor and through testing was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
When the bottom falls out.
As a daddy’s girl, I couldn’t imagine my mom without my dad. I wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready for this. None of us were ready for this. My future flashed before me as I panicked at the moments he could miss – walking me down the aisle, holding my babies, being the funny grandpa and being a rock for the family. I didn’t understand. Could I fight this? What if I could get him to actually take a vitamin or drink something other than coffee? What if he quit smoking? Could a better diet help his body fight this? At that moment, my mind went in a million different directions. I was spiraling and desperate to hold onto the life I knew. The life where my parents were together and my world was whole.
Within the flames
Over the next few months, fear, loss of control, desperation, and tragedy would break every part of my heart and severely wound my spirit. My father’s rapid decrease in quality of life, followed by his too soon death, would bring me to my knees. That was a year of loss and great pain. As tragic of this period that this was, I am grateful for the lessons throughout. It was a process of desensitizing my judgement and perception of control over life, while sensitizing my empathy and humility. As a result moving me to the healthy range of narscasisnm. The middle of the spectrum, where I could be confident in my ability to survive and thrive, while being humble enough to connect with people on a deep level. It was also the period of time where I got to know God – REAL well.
When no one else could love you
Desperation will bring out a practice of prayer that you don’t know you have until you have nothing left. Finally, I crawled to God. I was mad, hurt, and offended that he would let this happen. He let me break anyway. I now know that God doesn’t watch his children fall easily.
As a parent, you’re forced to watch your child stumble through life, learn their limits and pick themselves back up after failing. God wasn’t inactive. He was ready to show me that I could trust him. I saw God be intentional with proving his faithfulness. Regardless of my emotional thrashing, as I worked through the pain, he remained steadfast. He didn’t throw in the towel, determine I was too far gone, and walk away to leave me in a pit of despair. Instead, he was patient as he worked through every sticky spot in my heart. Every time I pushed him away, he was there when I came back.
I learned a lot and know there will be more breaks, as Christ continues to soften my heart to be more like his. I will move towards him, gladly and willingly, knowing that it grows my heart for his people and my faithfulness towards him. It will continue to be a painful and fulfilling process.
From hurt to healed
We’re to be like Christ by sharing his love to the world, having a servant’s heart, and interceding for each other. Sometimes, it takes a broken heart to get to this place. I encourage you to look at a current or past trial that you’ve encountered. What can you take from that? Can you pull anything out of that experience to help others? Have you given this pain to God or are you still carrying the burden by yourself? Regardless of what your situation looks like, God has your back. Even in your brokenness, he can restore strength and a firm foundation for you to rebuild on. There is sacredness in the vulnerability of clinging to God’s grace when nothing else in life is stable. He loves you more than anything and wants you to draw near him. Remember, YOU are a lady well-loved.
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